awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
