I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
