In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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