Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
