you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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