My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
