just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I wish you could order shots online.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
