All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize
