I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
