I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Randomize
