two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Randomize
