if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I want a musical about memes.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
