I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
