she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
