Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
