Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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