I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
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