My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I'm too high and old for this...
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
