dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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