Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
