it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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