So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Randomize
