you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
