did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
