Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
