i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
