Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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