proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
