the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
