I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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