Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
