I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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