Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Randomize
