I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
