I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
