And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
