Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
