I molested 6 butterflies tonight
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
