Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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