Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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