Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
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