I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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