Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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