apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Randomize
