I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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