Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
