if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
