I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
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