If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
