but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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