Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
