all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
