You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
