In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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