I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
