hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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