Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Randomize